Giving up

It's 7:37am on Monday, I'm just getting home from work which is suppose to end at 6:30am. Instead we worked until 7am extending my already 12.5 hour shift. I almost got nailed for a 16 hour shift which I'm more then sure I won't have made it thru without exploding on someone. I feel like i work in a place that could care two shits about how you feel or what problems you maybe dealing with. They are only nice when they need you to work or do something that would help them. I perform care on residents who are unappreciative, rude, abuse & all out mean. On top of it all to have to deal with Fellow co-workers who are lazy & would prefer to call in rather then show up to work.
I can't take it want to explode. If I didn't need the money so bad I'd quit tell them to shove it.

I wanna cry the second I get to my car but can't, still have to drive the half an hour home on windy roads. The second I walk thru our bedroom door I feel the tears building but push them back don't wanna bring work home. So I suck it up & put on my fake smile so not to ruin anyone else's.

Maybe I'm depressed, maybe I'm just stick & tired of the same routine, the same bullshit. Maybe if I took my vitamins & ate right, slept more or even like a normal person. That won't be changing anytime soon stuck on nights only thing that works for out family. I would love to be home every night to put our princess to bed instead I do it 2 times a week.

Enough mopping gonna try & get a few winks in before cleaning this disaster called my house what gets so irritated.

Gps

Why is it that anytime a man knows were one section of the highway is no matter where we Are going they always have to go to the spot where they know. Bad enough we have to be in the car for 3 hours with Laila who is 8 months but now he has added almost 45 mins to the ride. It's not that hard to follow directions. Laila will only be patient in a car for so long in one direction. Maybe it's just me but come on the gps is telling you where to go.

7 months old

My little girl (Laila) turned 7 months old last Monday, its so hard to believe how fast the time has past. She went from doing nothing by sleeping, drinking, peeing & pooping. Now she crawls, makes all kinds of noises, she mimics things that we do, & has a personality I all her own.

She's scooting right now with moments that she crawls. I think she's going to go from scooting to walking then crawl. Yesterday she scared the crap out of me grabbed the rail of her crib pulled herself up & tried going over. Silly girl now we have to lower her bed before she climbs out.

At moments raising a baby can be so hectic & it changes everything. No more coming & going as you please. No staying out late & hanging out. The strange thing is its ok, I love spending time with Laila when she's in a happy mood. She smiles & giggles it melts my heart.

I love my princess.

Picture the first day she was born October 21,2011

Picture at a week over 7 months old June 7, 2012

Laying in his arms

It's 1:30 in the morning, I lay here with my head on my husband Lester's chest with his arm around my neck and laying on my stomach. I love to lay like this with him so close to me. Hearing his heartbeat and feeling the beat of his heart against my back.
I would dream of finding someone to love me for me with all my flaws & imperfections. I don't know how I got so lucky. I went to Riverdale for 3 years & never thought I would end up with husband. We were from 2 different social levels; He was a jock & I didn't really fit in. I would admire him from Afar not realizing he was doing the same. As the years went on I grew up getting more comfortable with who I was & opening up. Started dating & then landed a jock (worm) who happened to be the best friend of my admirer. I always said " I'd never date a best friend or switch from a guy to his bestfriend, fearing i would break up a great friendship. well that relationship with worm was going great. My admirer (Lester) & I got to know each other because we all hung out together. I got to see a side of him not many had seen. His smiled was indescribable. I never acted because I wasn't gonna end a friendship but Slowly worm & I started fighting. He would go out to clubs without me. Which I was fine with I come from a strict family & could never go to things like that. I trusted worm even though I heard he cheated. He was a wrestler would go to put of town event, I heard things but when I asked worm he said they never happened & I didn't see them happen so I had no reason not to believe him. Just assumed girls were trying to break us up. More & more I heard then one night I got a picture text that confirmed the rumors & worm couldn't deny that. Later found out he stole a gift he ave me from Lester. I was so hurt couldn't believe it. I had trusted him, Lester would comfort me. Feelings slowly growing & one night couldn't fight them anymore. I ended things with Worm & now almost 7 years later here I am , living in new york, married to Lester with a beautiful baby girl. We own 2 cars, have 2 dogs, 2 cats & a crazy horny rabbit. All we need is to find our "perfect house" & a brother for Laila ;-)

Looking at back I truly believe in the quote, "Everything happens for a reason"

Lonely

My husband is at work to iChat, working 3pm to about 2am. When he is gone I'm. Set able. I feel all alone. I dknt know if I'm suffering for post pregnancy depression or if I'm just acting silly. I don't want to do anything if it wasn't for my daughter I feel like I would lye in bed all day without doing nothing. My family is so far away, I miss them don't know what to do. I'm just gonna head to bed, don't feel like finishing this

Da-Da

It's 8:30am I have been home from work for about an hour now. Ive checked my mail, ate a yogurt & have been playing around on my facebook doing stuff. I should probably go to bed but my body is itching like crazy. I dont know if its because of one of the people I work for. He is always itching or if its something biting me or it could just be im going nuts.  I thought about showering again but I hate to waste water if its just in my mind. Ill sit here & unwind then decide.

Anyways to start this off, My daughter will be 6 months on the 21st of April & she blows my mind. She smacks her hands together like shes playing patty cake, of course not around me. She is crawling, moving in her walker, attempting to sit up with no support but the thing that really got me yesterday was her 1st real audible words. She was mad & she yelled da-da-da da! I couldn't believe it, my jaw dropped. My husband thinks its just sounds shes making & it happened to be that "She doesn't even know what it means" he stated which could be true BUT, she will know & by the time she knows ma-ma may not have even brushed her mind. I've tried to coast her into saying mama first but guess it didn't work out. There's always our next child, one of them is bound to speak my name 1st.

I feel I have been slacking as a mother, letting my mother in law do alot for my daughter. I want to step up to the plate & just start taking over. She is my daughter, I mean not my mother in laws & she shouldn't have to do everything. I know she doesnt mind but I do. Makes me feel gross. i want to be able to show people the new things she is doing not vise-Vera. Im vowing from this day forward to do more. Doesn't matter how I feel or how many hours I worked or lack of sleep. I want my daughter to do things for me & want to spend time with me & rely on me not jsut smile because she gets to see my for a few hours before work.

Lately I felt as tho Im going thru that post pregnancy depression but at the same time Im unsure. One day im happy the next sad. I feel fat & ugly but then I feel normal. It could be lack of sun or vitamins & food. I gotta start being more healthy for me , my husband & our baby girl.

I think ima take a shower feel like things are crawling on me.

                Until next time my friend

Easter Cards

It's 8:49am on the Saturday before Easter & what am I doing? Getting all my Easter cards together to send out to family. I really need to get on the ball with these things. It might be nice if people actually got things before the holidays so they can sit them out & admire them. At least I'm trying, Theirs always the next holiday. Some of the cards I think look like poo, damn printer is leaving lines on Laila's face, Plus it is low on ink. Looks like I'll be buying another couple cartridges if I want to print more pictures. This year Ms. Laila wont understand Easter, or painting the eggs or even what the Easter bunny is but next year she should. She's growing up too fast. Oh and did I mention that I was at the store today & completely forgot about the envelopes that I need to mail the cards out in or even the stamps I need to put on the envelopes to send the cards. lol that's me, always forgetting something. I do have labels so I don't have to write our address 50 million times just everyone else's. oh well its what i get for wanting to share the growth of baby girl. I better get going before I forget something.

Until next time

Missed it :(

Yesterday(April 1st, 2012), My daughter who is almost 6 months old went for a trip to orange county with my in-laws to see her great granpa. I have to work every other weekend & usually its two 12 hour shifts back to back. Needles to say I couldnt go. While Laila was at granpa's house she was in her walking & was moving it!!! Going backwards, luckily Aunt Liz recorded a few moves for me. I am sad that I missed it like I missed her 1st time, rolling over But I am happy granpa was able tosee her 1st moves. I work nights so its hard. My mother in law keeps her while Im at work. I wish I didnt have to work so much, I work all night & sleep all day. What kind of life is that? it will be great once Laila starts going to school. I can sleep while shes in school & be awake to spend time with her & put her to bed before I have to head to work. Now tho, I feel like Im missing everything because Im either sleeping or working.
I shouldnt complain the checks are nice & the insurance is good. Laila is my 1st child so I dont want to miss it. Most young mothers dont usually appricate this kind of things but Im a sappy tomboy at heart. I dont wanna miss anything. I cant wait until she does more things but at the same time I wish she would slow down I feel like I just had her. Its 8:55am I worked last night so I should probably wash up, change out of my work clothes & head over to the in-laws to see if my babygirl is up.

1st Attempt

Well its 4:08am, I  got home a short bit ago from doing OT on a night I always have off. I should already be in bed snuggled up next to my husband but, for some reason I had a strong urge to suddenly start a blog.

    Its a damp cold night, wind is blowing but still so silent. Baby Girl is fast asleep in her crib, which is good we have a long day ahead of us. Going to Vestal to get a few things, then the Mall to get baby girl's 1st picture with the Easter Bunny, picking up Hubby's check, cashing it & rushing back to oxford to get the car serviced. I still cant believe my baby girl is going to be 6 months on the 21st. Where has the time gone. She is rolling over, recognizing people & learning cause & effect. She's starting to grip things & get her hand-eye coordination together. A miracle happening right before my own eyes. 

A few days prior I have come to the realization that I will be 24 this year. I know it doesn't seem to be a big deal but sometimes it feels like just yesterday I was celebrating my 18th birthday & now I'm married to my high school sweetheart with our 1st kid. Maybe its the fact I'm a thousand miles away from my family or that my life is so busy with working & the everyday hustle & bushel that I've just lost track of time. I don't think I could really tell you right now, my mind seems to be here & there.

Think I'll finally call it a night, gotta get a few hours before the sun rises. I'm looking forward to looking back at this one day, if I can keep us with it that is. Good night world until later.